You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Randomize
