I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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