Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
