She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I'm passing your future prison.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
