So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize