P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Randomize
