What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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