All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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