Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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