It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
