I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
