jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
