You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
