Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
id be glad to
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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