Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
