Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
