If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
you traded sex for a burrito?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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