none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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