either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
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