I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Found your dick twin last night
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Randomize
