college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
