i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
