I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
