My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
i think i just lost a toe
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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