I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
