I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
