Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
