if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
