I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Randomize
