I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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