that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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