That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
