If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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