Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
