I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
