WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
