Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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