I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
