Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
