can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
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