What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
