Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
