If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
