i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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