I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Your topless pictures make me question reality
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
