also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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