for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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