Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I fill condoms, not promises.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
