if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I did not marry a roomba.
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