I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
