Will you blow on my dice?
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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