nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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