Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
