No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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