cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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