i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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