Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Just puked most of my soul out..
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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