Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
